Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in Stephanie's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, September 1st, 2004
10:29 pm	tangled up in you sometimes it seems like a song was like written for you or about you or something. well, it does with this song and me. that's me. and that describes how i feel about a certain somebody...ya'll prolly guess, and no, it's not leland (oh god!!!!!!!!!!!!) wow, i wonder if i'm ever going to recover from that. like, they say rape victims don't ever emotionally get over it, and that's how i feel....ewwwwww! (Comment on this)
11:49 am	tangled up in me Tangled Up In Me Skye Sweetnam (Noise From The Basement) You want to know more, more, more about me I'm the girl who's kicking the coke machine I'm the one that's honking at you 'cause I left late again [CHORUS]: Hey! Hey! Hey! Could you see I want you by the way I push you away, yeah! Don't judge me tomorrow by the way I'm acting today Mix the words up with the actions do it all for your reaction, yeah! Hey! Hey! Get tangled up in me You want to know more, more, more about me Got to know reverse phsychology I'm the reason why you can't get to sleep I'm the girl you never get just quite what you see [CHORUS] You think that you know me (Get tangled up in me) You think that I'm only (Get tangled up in me) When everything I do is only to get tangled up in you... You want to know more, more, more about me I'm the girl that's sweeping you off your feet [CHORUS] (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 26th, 2004
12:09 am	rachel (rakkk-ell?) is the best rachel is the best. rachel rachel rachel. ok, is that good rach? i mean rakkk-el oh, and so is everybody else who actually reads this thing. oh, and greggggggg too. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 23rd, 2004
10:16 pm	baltimore yea so it's been a while. hottie emailed me. i was like dancing around my kitchen for about an hour before i actually read it. it was actually a pretty long email, thankfully. he just asked how i'd been, and if i'd done my summer homework and all, said he just got back from pakistan, and thanked me for the postcard i sent him. it was all cool. i was all pepped. but then i talked to him today online for a while. and he seemed kinda distant, like he always does. like, he left after about five minutes. i doubt he really had to go eat dinner at four oclock. but oh well, there you go. he's hot, i dunno WHY he's emailing me. yesterday i went to baltimore with erica and cal. that was fun. even though i was kinda third-wheeling it. i got a lot of pictures. wups, i just realized that i accidentally deleted all my pictures. yay, great. (Comment on this)
Friday, August 13th, 2004
12:10 pm	the last law explorers party i had this party with the law class at utah's house tonight. it was really fun, even though i thought it would suck and totally wasn't looking forward to it at all. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 12th, 2004
7:11 pm	killer field hockey field hockey is hell! oh my god. today actually was better than usual, i have to say, but all week has killed me! yesterday, we did a timed mile-and-a-half, just like on monday. after that, we did running drills for about an hour and a half, and then we scrimmaged for about an hour. scrimmaging is a lot of running too, by the way. then, we sprinted for forty-five minutes straight! it was HELL! i was so tired by the end of it, that i could hardly move. and i devoured an entire gyro and fries and smoothie in like five minutes. yikes. but it's really starting to sink in, because today we only ran for thrity-five minutes in the beginning, and i was DEAD after it! and it doesn't help that every day after field hockey i have to go to behind the wheel. for three hours...i swear, it's so hard to stay awake it isn't funny. the only thing that DOES keep me from fallin asleep behind the wheel is the fact that i have five minutes after i get home before i have to get picked up, and so i can't take a shower, so beleive me, pig farms have NOTHING on my smell after i've just run in the heat for three and a half hours straight. i really feel sorry for the poor kid that has to drive with me, austin. he's prolly scarred for life by me...oh well. i'm so exhausted, i haven't had stephanie-time in like a year. i hope after all this bs i make the team... (Comment on this)
Monday, August 9th, 2004
8:27 pm	ok, so today was VERY interresting. like, field hockey in the morning...yikes. we ran two miles...a mile and a half timed...did running drills for a LONG time...ran sprints (which were actually really easy for a change) and that was it...and then when i got home i had ten minutes to shower, change, get ready, and go to PSAT class...fun fun fun let me tell you. and after THAT (oh, by the way, the class after me is full of really hot guys. but not MY class, of course...) i went to the movies with leland. wow...we saw the bourne supremacy. it was a good movie. except i was really tired, had a headache, and was in a piss-ass mood by then. and he tried to kiss me. over and over again. but i pretty much just got him to settle with leaning on me. yay. and somehow i managed to get out of there with only a few akward comments and no kiss. then we went to tropical smoothie. which was wierd becuase like the waitress was kinda mean and obvioulsy wasn't too thrilled to see a couple walk in. and we kinda joked around too, which she didn't seem to like. wierd. so then we ordered and went outside to eat. well, we ate. and then after, we talked aoubt jack and madeline, and how i thought they were kinda..ya know...and he was like, "what...?" and we talked about pda, and he didn't konw what that was. and yea...and he said he thought it was ok for a couple to have sex after four to six months...and that he didn't think it was wierd for us to make out in public, even though every hott guy that drove by wtih friends would like honk and yell. akward. i have him a peck...on the lips....and then his dad came...quite suddenly. so then we went to my house. and he came in, and his dad ended up eating dinner with my mom and dad while we went upstairs. and so after i tried a few excuses to get out of kissing him (let's clean my closet! ok now let's clean my room, ok now let's move my bed, ok now teach me how to swingdance...ok...) i ran out, and we ended up sitting on my papasan chair and my bed, and he nailed me. yikes. the rest is...you don't wanna know. all i can say is, i'm emotionally scarred from the whole experience. i think he's almost scared me off dating. forever. well maybe not. hottie's really hot...and so is greggggggg... but here's the biggie: leland is moving to new york in two days. forever. and i'm not. thank GOD! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 8th, 2004
8:05 pm	leland...? today leland came... from 12:00 until 7:45. it was...long. i mean, before he came, i totally didn't like him. i was totally ok with him leaving in three days for new york, forever. i didn't like him at all, and it really didn't matter to me, as mean as it sounds. but i dunno why, i decided to have him come to my house anyway, just for the helluvit. and the entire time, it was wierd. like, i'm not really shore how to describe it. either he was too quiet and i had to do all the talking, or he just wanted to make out. even wtih my parents there, which is REALLY wierd. and i don't know why, but i just didn't feel comfortable with him, ya know, making out like that, something was wrong about it. so the whole time, i wanted him to leave. but then when it actually came time for him to leave, i got sad. i mean, the guy is leaving forever, and he is nice. and he's not bad looking, even if he isn't mr. hottt. man oh man... i'm actually sad now. like, i feel kinda depressed that i'm like never going to see him again. well, he isn't perfect. like, he smells funny, doesn't wear cologne or anything. and he's cute, but not really cute. his eyes are kinda funky. and he's really pale, and rather not ripped. actually, he's skinny. except he doesn't have the best curve in his legs. and all he ever wants to do is make out. and he's isn't exactly the type of guys to like chew gum before he tries to kiss you. so he doesn't have the best breath. i'm trying to think of everything wrong with him to make myself feel better. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 5th, 2004
9:42 pm	the lovely bones ok, so i'm reading this book called "the lovely bones." like, everywhere i go i see people reading it, and everybody says it's really good so i read it. like a sign. it's one of those books that is really powerful. it sends such a message, it's so powerful and emotional that it compells you, makes you feel empathetic and mature for your comprehension of the world. it's mesmerizing and horrible and beautiful all at the same time. it's...more than a book, it's a real person. but it's also indisputably depressing. the story is about me in a way. it's about justin, in so many ways, and about me too. i feel so sad about susie dying, but the depressing, helpless deterioration of life in the wake of her death is what kills me. like, i read it and get really depressed then i turn on the radio. what do i hear? only really depressing songs about death. i'm in and around susie's age, and i can't help but wonder about death myself. what really DOES happen when you die? are you in a post-world existance, or do you just cease, with no thought or self-awareness, just like before birth? which is worse? maybe that is what hell is. is there a hell? i know everybody thinks about this, but i worry about it at night, i have nightmares about heaven, because i can't bear the thought if it being depressing as some depictions i've encountered. i'm scared, constlantly plagued by the idea that my life is so tenuous, i'm so susceptable to change, and my life could be so wonderful, so dreadful in the blink of an eye. just like susie's life, just like so many poeple out there there, whose ranks i've (so far, at least) been lucky enough not to have to join. can i deal with this? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 4th, 2004
9:31 pm	hopeless romantic i'm reading "the lovely bones" by whats-her-name sebord or whatever. but it's sooo sad and depressing. i'm like crying. i can't help but think a lot about justin. wow. "your song" by elton john is so sweet, i realize i really haven't given up on guys after all...too bad. and i was watching love actually (by myself on the floor in my room on my sister's laptop at like midnight...wow i sound emo or something) and the wedding scene made me like cry..it was so schweet! wow, maybe i'm a hopeless romantic after all. well, i'm definately hopeless, even if i'm not so romantic! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
11:49 pm	My Happy Ending So much for my happy ending Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... Let's talk this over It's not like we're dead Was it something I did? Was it something You said? Don't leave me hanging In a city so dead Held up so high On such a breakable thread You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be [Chorus:] You were everything, everything that I wanted We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away All this time you were pretending So much for my happy ending Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... You've got your dumb friends I know what they say They tell you I'm difficult But so are they But they don't know me Do they even know you? All the things you hide from me All the shit that you do You were all the things I thought I knew And I thought we could be [Chorus] It's nice to know that you were there Thanks for acting like you cared And making me feel like I was the only one It's nice to know we had it all Thanks for watching as I fall And letting me know we were done [Chorus x2] [x2] Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... So much for my happy ending Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh... (Comment on this)
11:25 pm	sign # 20-some i know i gave up on guys a long time ago. but for some reason i can't help falling for totally not-going-to-work-out guys. i'm glad to say i'm over leland. i mean, he's moving away, so i'll just do stuff with him but not think about him seriously. besides, what utah and sean said about him just like using me i think was totally true. so i totally don't see him that way AT all...(thank you sean! i finally see what you were talking about!) but then again i met this other guy named ------ and he's really funny and cool, and cute in a wierd way. but he's going off to college...he's five years older than me. he's really funny and smart, and he's going places. kristin asked me if i liked him, and until then i had never seriously considered it. but when she did, i thought about it, and realized i kinda did. i mean, he's funny. and i guess you could mistake us joking and whatever for flirting, but at the time i just thought of it as having fun...like brother and sister. and he prolly thinks i'm like the stupidest sixteen-year-old in the world. yikes. so i guess, in case i didn't get the first twenty-some, god is sending me ANOTHER sign that i'm supposed to become a nun and totally give up on guys now. just to make sure i get the message, and have a reason to cry every night. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
6:14 pm	another suitcase in another hall I don't expect my love affairs to last for long Never fool myself that my dreams will come true Being used to trouble I anticipate it But all the same I hate it -- wouldn't you? So what happens now? Another suitcase in another hall So what happens now? Take your picture off another wall Where am I going to? You'll get by, you always have before Where am I going to? Time and time again I've said that I don't care That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through But every time it matters all my words desert me So anyone can hurt me -- and they do So what happens now? Another suitcase in another hall So what happens now? Take your picture off another wall Where am I going to? You'll get by you always have before Where am I going go? Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know Well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow I won't recall the names and places of this sad occasion But that's no consolation -- here and now So what happens now? Another suitcase in another hall So what happens now? Take your picture off another wall Where am I going to? You'll get by, you always have before Where am I going to? Don't ask anymore (Comment on this)
6:04 pm	oh yea... oh by the way calien and monica, i have no idea how to do "Friends" so can ya'll tell me? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
5:31 pm	is this a sign?! wow. today was so interresting. it was the last day of law class. tommorrow, we leave for wisconsin for the national competition. it's totally unreal. but yea, i was talking to utah, and i told him about leland, just because that happened to be on my mind...oh yea becuase we were talking about manhattan. so anyway, i told him how i thought leland never wanted to talk to me, and always was like, "well call me when you can get together" and only ever wanted to "get together". never just talk on the phone or what not. and then i told him how i knew leland was moving. and how leland had just wanted to "hook up for the summer". and about the movies. and about how i had told leland that if he just wanted to get some before he left he had the wrong girl, but how leland had told me that if that was the case, he would have "found a girl who moves faster". and about everything. and utah was like, "oh my god...he's a tool! he's totally using you to get some before he goes to new york and meets all those....new york chicks!" and i was like, "you think? i don't think so...i think he's a nice guy" and utah went on and on about how guys think...and convinced me. i mean, it wasn't that hard to convince me, because sean had said the exact same thing a few days before. crap, i'm a total, clueless idiot. what was i thinking (i love that song). but yea. so my god. i'm totally through with guys. i mean, i know i've said this like twenty million times, but now this totally settles it. i'm THROUGH. it's all stupid and insane, and never worth it. i mean, with my horrible luck, it's obviously a sign from like god that i'm not meant to date or anything. like people who can't date becuase of their religion (or because they're from pakistan) uh oh...i guess that makes me and hottie (hadi) soul mates. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 26th, 2004
7:59 am	really good song: -Diamond Dogs by Beck...from the moulin rouge soundtrack -Warbrain by Alkaline Trio...from the Rock Against Bush cd really good band: -brand new really good movie: -the godfather (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 25th, 2004
10:31 pm	wow...what a day. wow. my day was so wierd. law class was...really interresting. it's killer boring most of the time, like in the morning when i have to wake up at six thirty and then just sit there while other people are working on what they're doing. but at least i get to eat a lot while i'm there. yea, today we went to carrabba's for my birthday dinner..it's the twenty-fifth of july, and my birthday was on the sixteenth. hm.... well dinner was a trip. we got there at seven oclock, and they told us fifteen minutes. forty five minutes later, another group walks in and gets seated right away, they weren't even all in the door before they were seated. and only THEN did they take us to our BOOTH. for six people. well yea my parents got pissed off about this. it was really crowded and uncomfortable. and our waitress was really wierd. she would say mean things to us like, "hey, ya'll are going to have to speak up becuase i can't hear you" and then randomly complain to us about her other customers. so my parents got pissed off and started being mean to her too. and then she got really mean, i think she probably spit in my dad's food so i didn't eat it, even though i love lasagna. and they brought me my cake as we were standing up to leave. i just got to lick the candle before my parents were like, "that's it." they decided to "boycott" it. because, you know, i'm shore my waitress is going to suffer way more than me, if i don't eat my birthday cake. then we left, after my grandma chewed out the manager. well, at least the busboy who sang to us was really cute. . . so of course danny was with us and he sang some really weird songs and told lame jokes all the way home...my dad of course followed suit...like, "i think they should take the deer crossing sign down...i know three peopel who have hit deer there..it's obviously not safe for them!" and then my dad went off on a tanget about gunga din...the sad thing is, i already knew all of what he was telling me. yikes. well, then we got home ready to eat erica's birthday cake for me. it had collapsed on itself by that time, though, and was lumpy. my dad characterized it best when he said, "It looks like a giant, round baby ruth bar." it basically wasn't cooked yet....so THAT"s why it was liquid inside, and the icing mixed with teh cake batter. we decided to just put in a bowl in the freezer and not eat cake. yum. yea, that was my day in a nutshell...yikes. i got up too early, i guess. which was like seven forty five. an hour and a half AFTER i have to get up tommorrow for law class, of course. yikes. i'm going to be in a bad mood. oh, and i give up on guys. they are just too much trouble! i can't seem to find the right ones, or if i do they live too far away. so i give up. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 23rd, 2004
10:48 pm	wow, my life's kinda boring. oh my god. today was really fun. i got up at like, i don't know, early. and after i jogged, ate, and sat on my ass for a while, i went to carytown. with leland. we walked around for a while, went to bev's. i got a smoothie, peach flavored. but while we were standing waiting for leland's sandwich to be ready, this other man came up and ordered ice cream. his raspberry sherbert was sitting there on the counter while the man was opening his wallet, and i looked at it, not really aware of what was going. i saw the ice cream, and thought, "wow that is a really realistic display." so i touched it, right? to see if it was real... and when i figured out that it was real, after poking it, i said, "wow, it's real." the man who had ordered it said, "yea, i would hope so! that's my ice cream!" and it was really really embarrasing. wow. i get stupider every day. actually, i really do. i kept pushing pull doors and pulling push doors, but i didn't figure out what i was doing wrong until someobdy else pointed it out. and i accidentally got onto like the wrong highway on the way home, becuase i don't konw right from left. so anyway, i was shopping and it was fun. i found the collared shirt i needed even though it was blue and i wanted white. then we went to agecroft/the virinia house and walked around the grounds for a while...ya know. it was fun. except for the part with the old women who walked up on us and it was really akward 'cuase you could tell they thought they'd caught us doing something...wierd... but yea, i got to drive home from richmond, in brandon's manual...with brandon and stacey. so that was cool, because i had never really driven a stick shift before, especially on I95 at night without my parents or anybody in my family. that was cool. wow, i thought my day was pretty fun, but now that i think of it it sounds kinda lame. but then again, i did get pizza, cake and cookie cake at law class, becuase it was ginny's birthday. and i love eating. so that was fun. wow, you know it's kinda sad that that's like the highlight of my week so far. and it's friday. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
11:36 pm	where do i start? it's really hard to start from scratch. like, i have no idea where to begin. so i guess i'll just pretend i've been writing in this for years, and you know exactly what i'm talking about. here goes. ugh, i had law class again today. we did absolutely nothing like usual. i sat there, and did my witness, and then watched everybody else for FOUR hours...i could have been spending my time MUCH more constructively if i was like sleeping or eating or something fun, but no. i'm busy being bored. in the middle of summer. and i'm getting nothing accomplished. but oh well, you win some you lose some. and it's not like there are even any cute guys to look at while you just sit there bored out of of your mind. the only two guys in the whole thing are utah and sean. utah's a lost cause...he's nice enough i guess but SO annoying and immature. and sean, he's a little stuck up and a wannabe. and i REALLY hate wannabe's more than like anything. even though he is cute, in an "i'm creepy skinny" kind of way. but oh well. so i'm going to have spent my entire summer in a FREEZING cold room with people i HATE, doing nothing, while i could have a life. too bad, huh. but then again there's this guy...leland...i don't know if i like him or not. i mean, of course i'm totally not going to get involved, because in two weeks or whatever, when he takes off and moves to new york, i'm not going to like sit here crying over him. i'm through with that. but i guess i like him. i mean, he's funny and he seems to be a nice guy, and he's pretty cute too. but i don't know if he really likes me or just wants to "hook up" with a girl this summer, and found me. i mean, that whole thing the other day kinda frieked me out. like it wasn't a big deal, but i know he was trying to kiss me...and kinda like feel me up or something. it was scary. and besides, who knows if he even wants to like do something. i want to get together tommorrow, the last day i have free until AUGUST, but he hasn't like gotten online or called me or anything, so i don't know if it's even going to work. too bad for him. because if it doesn't, then i'm the one who's not going to feel anything when he leaves! you know, i think i found the answer. that's it. i'm through. with guys. forever. they suck, and it never works out, and you always end up feeling stupid no matter what happened, and you spend way more time sad or crying than you ever spent feeling happy. and they smell too. so i'm through. (Comment on this)